Pirates sinking in the Ocean

Since I’ve procrastinated writing about the Pirates, I will pleasure you with not one but TWO reviews instead!

Pirates was disappointing and so was Oceans. There.

Ok, ok…as I don’t want to go down history as the lazy bastard (although I highly suspect that I won’t be the only one in this blogosphere), I will deliberate a tiny little bit more about these two disappointing endeavors of mine.

Sigh, how should I start with Pirates?

Johnny: Aiii...did they bring him back too?

I love you Johnny Depp, your acting is great, so great that it barely and just nearly saves the entire Pirates from sinking into the endless depth of Davy Jones Locker. Or maybe it should. It’s an obvious fact that Johnny is the only one carrying the movie, or atleast, the producers are playing on that card. Personally I think Bill Nighy is just as wonderful as Davy Jones as Keira Knightley is horrendous as the sticks in dress.

Fashion note: The belt Elizabeth Swann (sticky Keira) is wearing is oh-so-now, totally Gucci, and front page Harpers and two page spreads in Vogue. Very good choice to make the wearer look slimmer and have a cinch waist. Not sure why Keira needed that.

OK sorry, making sarcastic statements bout people’s physique is not nice, shame on me. BUT I once remembered a comedian telling me that it’s alright to make fun of others (regardless the sensitivity) as long as you can do the same to yourself – first. So I’m short and fat and Keira is a stick in a dress. Fair.

The "new" pet accessory for today: drop the chihuaha for a monkey on the shoulder. Atleast monkeys know how to do tricks.

But back to the acting, Orlando Bloom is nice but Will Turner is boring and one dimensional. My dog would do a better portrayal and atleast look honestly adorable than Will trying to look…look…hmm, what does he look anyway? See. Knowing these disadvantages, the producers decided that they must be smart and play up the Johnny card, but unfortunately played wrongly. This resulted in many unnecessary scenes of Johnny with Johnny and Johnny.

Orlando: Gee Geoffrey, do you reckon my tan is working under all this cloth? Do you think Steven can maybe make my costume more baring? Need to work on this tan man, girls love it!
Geoffrey: Whatever, I'm trying to find my monkey...what's that up your ass?

Pirates of the Caribbean At World’s End is a very ambitious movie, a movie with boundless expectations to live up to (tsk tsk), and many holes left opened. The plot was straightforward but long winded (tsk tsk), which is not the best recipe when combined with bland acting. It’s like having too many dishes in one meal but no salt.

Right, on to Ocean’s 13 shall we? Same predicament. I should have taken the hint from the very ordinary trailer.

How can these guys not be cool?

Honestly, I LOVE Ocean’s 12, I absolutely adore go crazy bonkers about Ocean’s 12 because it’s so damn cool and awesome! Wonderful acting, exciting surprising plot, great humour, lots of fun, to die for clothing, something you can watch over and over and over again. And the best thing about it is that the sequel can actually outdo their first installment! A feat not many films can achieve, save for the few monumental ones, starting with Matrix (who incidentally started this whole crappy trend of Film 1, Film 2, Film 3 in the recent years…crap, if I want sequels I can watch a serial on TV. Atleast the one week suspense won’t kill me).

One of the many lame-o elements. No reason at all to bring back the Night Fox if he only had less than 5mins screen time. Seriously, was it necessary??! Oh yeah, big fashion NO-NO too, to wear prints that matches your background - unless you're at a chameleon party.

But Ocean’s 13 was sad. Again, it was too ambitious and had too big a shoe to fill. However, you can’t go wrong with the acting of those dudes in Ocean’s! They are still fantastic and great to watch; the signature quick wits were still around but not as gratifying as #12. There were too many stories happening at the same time and unnecessary scenes. I never understood why Steven Soderbergh couldn’t do better in delivering Reuben’s scenes. They were plainly put – boring.

The best part, was to see Linus all grown up.

His noes grew too. Anyway, will write, when I write again.

YoHoHo...a pussycat GOES!

Coming up....

Nuff said.

Spiderman is....Good Charlotte!

So now we know. Spiderman is actually the secret member of Good Charlotte. He just only reveals it when he’s mean and bad. OOoohhh…right.

OK. Before I go any further slamming this movie, we must be the bigger person to understand and accept that it is after all – a comic movie. C’mon, how far can you go with a comic strip??!! Apparently quite far as shown in Sin City. So how come Spidey wasn’t given a fair chance by Sam Raimi this time? Not enough budgets?

Vainy Spidey: "Me Macho Macho Man!"

Spiderman Three can be described in three words: CORNY, LAME-O, OVER-EXXAGERATED-LETS-ALL-LOVE-AMERICA. Seriously. I laughed till I teared when the star spangled banner was “coincidentally and conveniently” flying in the background, inches next to Spidey, when he was webbing his way to save his lovely red head. It was SO corny I just had to laugh.

Honestly, the best character must’ve been Venom. He was honest to god (or something similar) the scariest (relativity, dear), the most evil (in good old school style where they have no remorse whatsoever), and with the best looking outfit. Besides that, the rest of the characters were rather pathetic or somehow uncommitted to perform their roles.

Venom's dentist never survived after saying "Say Ahh....AAHHhhh!!!!"

It all went down hill when James Franco, playing Goblin Junior (Aww…such a cutie namie), stepped out from the gas chamber. If you listened closely, behind the evil music cue, you can nearly hear Sam shouting “Look evil, James! Show me the evil! Show me the evil!” And show the evil James did. Although unfortunately, James interpretation of evil was – raise one eyebrow, slight sneer on the left corner of lips, look menacing. It all sounds evil, yeah, but anyone can do that. Even that annoying four year old kid next door can do it. Ask him; he might even do a better job than James here, because atleast the kid’s is truly evil. James…well, he was obviously trying.

Evil Goblin Junior with most menacing stare. OOoohh...scary.

James showing off his unique skills of raising one, only one, eyebrow.

And then Goblin Junior had to be so embarrassing in his debut. Despite a rather fast paced action sequence with Spidey, Goblin Jr.’s scene was short killed. Somehow he survived all the super hard knocks from Spidey and his own ultra sharp blade nicks like any other superheroes or superbaddies, but Goblin Jr. had to passed out like a 12 year old girl who knock her head on her pillow when he fell of his board.

James attempt to look ultra friendly, boy next door in the next majority part of the film was pathetic too. So I’ll just skip that.

At some point in the first part of the movie, I was nearly tricked into believing that I’m actually in the wrong cinema watching a slap stick comedy. Look, we all know Peter Parker is nerdy and all, but we don’t need to use classical boring examples of outright stupidity to exemplify that. It’s like Sam was trying to put too many ingredients into one movie. Not good. It’s funny to see him doing nerdy dance moves on the streets of NY, but honestly, that was unnecessary. If someone is mean, they’re mean ok. I mean, go beat up some dog or something. Kill a spider, yeah.

One bad spidey that had a photoshop makeover.

The makeup artist should get slap or fired. Look, Tobey Maguire has a unique face that doesn’t look evil just by applying eyeliner and not washing hair for 3 weeks. He just ends up looking like a chubby Good Charlotter.

Otherwise, the best line in the movie was the last one by Spidey himself: “Whatever battles rages inside us, we always have a choice… it’s the choices that make us who we are*, and we can always choose to do right.” It’s just too bad that this movie came out four years too late. If not, the world might have, just might have, been a better place.

*Ooh...is Prof. Dumbledore going to cast a spell on Spidey for plagiarism?

All in all, it was disappointing if you expected something like Spiderman One and Two. Mary Jane Watson and May Parker were the only ones who remain consistent. One, because Kirsten Dunst always act the same and look the same. Secondly, Rosemary Harris…she hardly have any screen time, so it’s hard to be different.

I forgot to metion that Mary Jane's attire throughout the film was awesome! Especially love that green dress and that blouse-skirt set!

But if you’re just another die hard movie fan like me, then it's definitely a must to watch Spiderman Three since you have watched the first two. Always finish something you start, just like your mommy said. But if you’re not, then just stay at home and read my blog.

Fashion Conditioning

It's funny how a fashion disaster can morph into something sexy, if you're exposed to it long enough in a certain context.

Take this for example.

Black socks with sneakers (regardless of colour, unless you cover them with long pants...but they tend to have an affinity to expose themselves. Not good.) is a huge NO-NO, blubber, Uh-UH, and everything else that is in that category of expression. Black socks just don't go with sneakers, dear. It's just one of those things where you're not supposed to do. Like picking your nose in public or on a first date; you just don't do that. Oh, you didn't know? Well now you know.

Unless...

You're from Scandinavia. Or have been living there for a certain period of time, where you're constantly exposesd to men (some of which happens to be relatively tall, average to well build, with occasional sun-kissed skin, lovely blond hair tousled/spiked/naturally combed, baby/intense blue eyes...) who always and will forever wear black socks with sneakers.

Initially, you are shocked. But then you gradually recover from the shock and focus on other attributes, in the attempt to avoid moving your eyes down....to that ughh-so-yucky combo of black socks and sneakers. Slowly, you condition yourself ignore those black-sock-snearker covered region. And one day, you notice, "Hey, those black-socks-sneakers are - still there! But hey HEY...they seem to look - ok. Nice. Good. And maybe sexy if you spot them at the gym on a nice looking guy.

And that's when it hits you. You've been conditioned into liking and actually appreciating something that was previouly disgusting. Scary.

Disclaimer: this is entry does not encourage anyone to attempt the black socks sneakers combo. It's STILL a big NO-NO.

Coming up...

La Môme

Breathtaking moments are hard to come by. Great times are hard to come by. Films like La Môme (La Vie en Rose) hardly ever comes by.


And that’s why you need to watch it and you need to watch it now.

La Môme is the French title of the film about the intense and tragically short life of one of those extraordinary singers that appears once in a few lifetimes. Edith Piaf was a household name in the US and the Europe and France’s most loved singer. Her music usually reflected her intense and ill-fated life, which ended shortly after only forty seven years. Her legend continues to live beyond her existence in the likes of her signature song, “La vie en rose” written in 1945 and voted into the Grammy Hall of Fame in 1998.

The film follows closely to Piaf’s struggle, discovery, rose to fame, and her eventual death. Keeping everything so real; so much so that you actually feel the tiny hairs on your back stand just by watching Marion Cotillard flesh out Piaf.

My first encounter with Cotillard came in the form of strange but rather well done arty French film call Innocence. Otherwise, Cotillard has kept herself mostly to the French film society only making her rare English appearance in Hollywood movie “A Good Year” opposite Russell Crowe.

Since noticing Cotillard in Innocence, I was instantly mesmerized by her deep questioning eyes that seem to lead to many mysteries. They appear to search you and question you and even talk to you – despite through camera lenses and severeal film strips! I just knew I had to look her up and read more about her. Yeah, I’m one of those geeks who has their laptop nearby everytime they watch a film (geeks normally watch on DVD or Internet J), just in case we need to google or wiki something out about the film.

But back to La Môme - or Cotillard in La Môme as Edith Piaf or The Sparrow as the title refers to her nickname in French. A sparrow both because of her small physique as well as her throaty yet sad voice that seems to communicate the fragility of the bird.

Cotillard played scarily so well and real that it’s almost emotional to watch such rare performance from actors nowadays! It was like seeing Piaf alive again! Her body movements, her signature expressions, her looks throughout various ages…the makeup artist for this film definitely deserve high appraises as well! Managing to transform Cotillard, who is in her own rights a very beautiful woman, into someone completely different and changing accordingly to age. You could actually believe the woman on screen was Piaf, stricken with arthritis and dying of cancer.


Ahh, but most amazing of all – Cotillard sang every single song herself. Pretending to be singers/dancers/or someone-you-seriously-are-not; is already quite a feat. But trying to act as someone who else who happens to be quite extraordinary in some way, it’s near impossible. But damn! Cotillard can sing! And she sings like Piaf herself!

As you can see, I can most definitely go on and on forever singing about how amazing and near impossibly good the film has been. But I won’t. I won’t allow myself to keep you snagged here as you have a mission to accomplish. Go watch La Môme.

This film undeniably, indisputably, more than likely, should receive an Oscar – if not something better. Maybe two, maybe more. One for coming out as a great film; another for Cotillard for her stellar performance, another for the makeup artist, and maybe one more for the director for putting everything together.

Bravo Edith! Bravo Marion! Bravo Olivier!

Oh yeah, one of Piaf’s song was used in yet another amazing French film, Amelie. Go find out ;-)

If Stan, Kyle, Eric, and Kenny were real...

As a lover of South Park, it's no news that I "stumbled" across them in wiki...and saw this picture of the boys.

I'm not sure what to comment about it. Maybe you start.

High Ambitions

So much for complaining about gender weakening heels. We women are hypocrites. We trash the world for creating heels…and then eat our own foot when the fashion industry unapologetically churns out a whole season of killer heels.

This season sees heels take on new heights – repeating what they’ve done before – pushing the feminine feet into a painfully sensuous arch. The Chinese spotted this beauty more than a hundred years ago, but the world condemned it as they weren’t ready for the high fashion China was dictating.

The ambitious heels this season however comes in a slightly considerate version to the ultimate killer stilettos. Wedges and platforms will carry these heels, whether if it’s retro style, punk metallic, or luxurious leather.

Despite its many criticism from the so call “activist”, heels are incontestably a very desired accessory for any woman. Who can turn down the possibility of creating the illusion of long endless legs, dainty ankle, a perkier derriere, that few extra inches of height, etc.

Should you plan an attempt on these life-risking heels, I would advice you to steer clear of the punk metallic. They won’t last – confirm. It’s one of those items that popped out from the fashion factory, which people will one day look back and say – disasters of 2007. Leather, suede, and other luxurious fabrics however are acceptable. If you’re brave, go with one that’s strong in color; like dark blue, plume, red. Otherwise, the conventional brown can also be sexy with tan legs.

Go on, grab one and be above others for awhile. But be smart and practice your walk, your sway, and strengthen those weak ankles before slipping one of these wedges on.

Sparta 300

PREPARE FOR 300!!!

Sparta 300 was good. Any girl would tell you that.

A cast that seemed rigidly selected – no abs no role. Every single Sparta man had atleast 6 abs, 6 feet of height, and an absolute epitome of manhood. That was what the film is, not all, but mostly about. Besides the fact that the men were strangely irresistible in their blood red cloaks and brown loin covers.

"What did you say? My loincloth too small?"

"OK lads, look cool now...Oi, flex those abs!"

I thought Gerard Butler played wonderfully as the legendary Leonidas. His powerful masculine voice that growls through the film is simply orgasmic. I wouldn’t mind receiving orders from this man.

Undeniably, the physical attraction element was a bit played out of proportion (explains why all the guys who’ve watched it didn’t like the film). Hey, it's a comic adaptation! But what were also elegantly executed were the battle scenes. The filmmaker tried their best to stay true to the Sparta art of battle though the ending where they all died was rather pathetically intepreted. They obviously died because they didn’t follow the combat tactics that they were supposedly famous for. But alas, they had to die and that was the only way the filmmakers could fantasize it to be.

The splatter expectations were met dutifully (OK, it was a bit soften. Sin City was better). Each splatters were splendidly executed. Oh, and I love those breathtaking leaps that they take before they slice their enemies in halves – top down. The slo-mo, the music (ahhh…I love great film scores!), everything…very powerful! I like.

Simply Balletic!

There were also some somewhat boo-hoo parts in the film. The narrator was successfully the most annoying person in the film and kept that part with his whiny voice. I’m appalled that they didn’t spot that when they cast him in that role. More hilarious was the Brazilian actor who played antagonist Xerxes. 300 aside, Rodrigo Santoro seems to be quite a normal dude (if not dashing as well) outside of the film. But the costume, makeup, and special effects delivered a highly gay, effeminate, whiny, self-centered, psychotic Xerxes. It was quite amusing to actually see Xerxes as a contemporary drag queen who wants everything to be his/her way. Total diva. I couldn’t help but laughed in stifles everytime he appears. Oh, and his freak troupe was exaggerated.

GAY!

SUPER GAY!!

STILL GAY!!














Oohh...and who's this laddie?

SANTORO!!!??? See...I told you.

Otherwise, all in all, I declare this a great girlie flick. If you’ve watched it (regardless of your sexual preference), then good. If you haven’t, it’s a film that must be watch on big screen (seriously, squeezing 300 heavenly men in your puny pc screen?). If you’re miserable and want to save every penny for life’s better good, that’s ok as well.

Oh I forgot. There’s the Oracle factor as a male attraction point.