Monday, June 11, 2007

Pirates sinking in the Ocean

Since I’ve procrastinated writing about the Pirates, I will pleasure you with not one but TWO reviews instead!

Pirates was disappointing and so was Oceans. There.

Ok, ok…as I don’t want to go down history as the lazy bastard (although I highly suspect that I won’t be the only one in this blogosphere), I will deliberate a tiny little bit more about these two disappointing endeavors of mine.

Sigh, how should I start with Pirates?

Johnny: Aiii...did they bring him back too?
I love you Johnny Depp, your acting is great, so great that it barely and just nearly saves the entire Pirates from sinking into the endless depth of Davy Jones Locker. Or maybe it should. It’s an obvious fact that Johnny is the only one carrying the movie, or atleast, the producers are playing on that card. Personally I think Bill Nighy is just as wonderful as Davy Jones as Keira Knightley is horrendous as the sticks in dress.

Fashion note: The belt Elizabeth Swann (sticky Keira) is wearing is oh-so-now, totally Gucci, and front page Harpers and two page spreads in Vogue. Very good choice to make the wearer look slimmer and have a cinch waist. Not sure why Keira needed that.

OK sorry, making sarcastic statements bout people’s physique is not nice, shame on me. BUT I once remembered a comedian telling me that it’s alright to make fun of others (regardless the sensitivity) as long as you can do the same to yourself – first. So I’m short and fat and Keira is a stick in a dress. Fair.

The "new" pet accessory for today: drop the chihuaha for a monkey on the shoulder. Atleast monkeys know how to do tricks.

But back to the acting, Orlando Bloom is nice but Will Turner is boring and one dimensional. My dog would do a better portrayal and atleast look honestly adorable than Will trying to look…look…hmm, what does he look anyway? See. Knowing these disadvantages, the producers decided that they must be smart and play up the Johnny card, but unfortunately played wrongly. This resulted in many unnecessary scenes of Johnny with Johnny and Johnny.

Orlando: Gee Geoffrey, do you reckon my tan is working under all this cloth? Do you think Steven can maybe make my costume more baring? Need to work on this tan man, girls love it!
Geoffrey: Whatever, I'm trying to find my monkey...what's that up your ass?

Pirates of the Caribbean At World’s End is a very ambitious movie, a movie with boundless expectations to live up to (tsk tsk), and many holes left opened. The plot was straightforward but long winded (tsk tsk), which is not the best recipe when combined with bland acting. It’s like having too many dishes in one meal but no salt.

Right, on to Ocean’s 13 shall we? Same predicament. I should have taken the hint from the very ordinary trailer.

How can these guys not be cool?

Honestly, I LOVE Ocean’s 12, I absolutely adore go crazy bonkers about Ocean’s 12 because it’s so damn cool and awesome! Wonderful acting, exciting surprising plot, great humour, lots of fun, to die for clothing, something you can watch over and over and over again. And the best thing about it is that the sequel can actually outdo their first installment! A feat not many films can achieve, save for the few monumental ones, starting with Matrix (who incidentally started this whole crappy trend of Film 1, Film 2, Film 3 in the recent years…crap, if I want sequels I can watch a serial on TV. Atleast the one week suspense won’t kill me).

One of the many lame-o elements. No reason at all to bring back the Night Fox if he only had less than 5mins screen time. Seriously, was it necessary??! Oh yeah, big fashion NO-NO too, to wear prints that matches your background - unless you're at a chameleon party.

But Ocean’s 13 was sad. Again, it was too ambitious and had too big a shoe to fill. However, you can’t go wrong with the acting of those dudes in Ocean’s! They are still fantastic and great to watch; the signature quick wits were still around but not as gratifying as #12. There were too many stories happening at the same time and unnecessary scenes. I never understood why Steven Soderbergh couldn’t do better in delivering Reuben’s scenes. They were plainly put – boring.

The best part, was to see Linus all grown up.

His noes grew too. Anyway, will write, when I write again.

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